Hi! I'm here to recap Bake Off!
(Blogger back story: I recapped The Great British Sewing Bee on my sewing blog this year, really enjoyed it, had some other people say they also enjoyed it, decided I wanted to do more but couldn't justify sticking non-sewing recaps in a sewing blog. This concludes our back story.)
We start off with Mel and Sue rummaging through a crate and talking about "whisky things". Even though I know what show I'm watching, it takes me several seconds to work out that the crate is full of baking supplies and not alcohol. I like whisky. Sue tells Mel not to touch an unspecified object "from home" and Mel makes a disgusted face because we all love a good sex toy joke. What are they missing? Why, twelve bakers standing in a slightly creepy silent line right next to them, of course! We're back!
The bakers file into the tent for the first time, expressing nerves and hopes and determination, except Candice, who just wants Mary Berry to be her nan. And Selasi, who does not give a shit in the most genial way possible. Mel and Sue make a cake/Kate pun that's a stretch even by this show's standards (and still delightful), and we're away into the first challenge. Drizzle cake! Smugface Hollywood tells us that they've made the challenges slightly easier in order to make the judging harder, and Mary Berry wants the contestants to make something weirder than your standard lemon drizzle.
As we drift in amongst bakers, most of whom are making a "lemon and something else drizzle", we get the usual brief overviews of who everyone is. Val likes to combine baking with light aerobics, Candice is an extremely Essex PE teacher with amazing lipstick, Andrew is not the youngest contestant despite having the face of a nine-year-old, Tom is perfectly nice despite having the face of a murderer, and Kate likes the flavour of Cox. All this is intercut with shots of Selasi grinning and shrugging and giving absolutely no shits about anything, even leaving an ingredient out of his cake. Val knocks the edible flowers for the top of her cake on the floor, then shrugs and puts them on the cake anyway. I sense this is going to be a good season for the slapdash.
Sue shouts at everyone to "make your driz the shiz", because of course she does. She then tells Kate to "put your purple ring where I can see it" and I note that this series is literally minutes old and the innuendo has already moved up to sex toys and close-up bumholes. Not that I'm complaining; while there certainly is a point where I'll stop sniggering and start pulling faces, that point is not going to be broadcast at 8pm on BBC1 any time soon.
Assorted Signature results: Jane and Benjamina do well, Val and Lee do less well, Tom the Murderer's G&T cake somehow has too much gin even for Mary Berry, and Paul Hollywood does that THING when trying Selasi's cake where he just smirks at the contestant in silence for ages. I don't know what he thinks he's doing but it makes me involuntarily swear every time. (Selasi's cake is good.)
Technical challenge time, and it's Jaffa cakes! It never occurred to me that one would bake Jaffa cakes at home. Mary explains what makes a good Jaffa cake, and Paul dips one in his tea which is a thing I have literally never come across in my life. Mary is appalled, as well she might be.
Everyone gets started on their orange jelly. Mel asks Selasi how he can be so calm, and then checks whether he is in fact doing anything at all. As is standard, the recipe has a bunch of key bits of information missing, leaving all of them squatting in front of their ovens peering through the door. Andrew's cakes have come out jumbo-sized, and Val's have stuck to the tin.
And now, one of my favourite moments of the episode:
Candice: I added a bit of orange juice to the jelly.
Mel: Candice! Does it say to do that?! ...Where did you get the orange juice?
Candice: [conspiritorially] The orange.
I love everyone on this show.
When it comes to cutting the jelly into rounds and placing it on the cakes, it becomes apparent that several people don't know which side of a Jaffa cake is up, which is a problem I hadn't seen coming. I don't think I've eaten a Jaffa cake in ten years or more, but even if you don't eat Jaffa cakes, how do you not know what shape they are? It's part of our cultural identity. Full moon... half moon... total eclipse. Everybody eventually works out which way up they go, except Babyface Andrew. Oops. Though when it comes to putting the cakes on the plate, it appears he does know which way up they go but thinks they should be presented chocolate side down, which if anything is even more confusing.
Judging commences. Paul says that Louise's cakes are "pretty uniform...ly bad" which I think warrants a slap. Andrew's upside-down efforts are judged the worst, followed by Lee's insufficiently chocolatey ones. Michael comes third, with Tom the Murderer in second and Selasi, obviously, winning with his Jaffa cakes that actually look like Jaffa cakes. Louise says that tomorrow she's going to "give it some more welly, really" which is another phrase to add to my list of Things That Sound Amazing in a Welsh Accent. Listening to Welsh people talk makes me very happy.
Going into the Showstopper, Mary and Paul tell us we're looking at Selasi, Jane or Benjamina for Star Baker and Lee, Val, Louise or Andrew for the boot. The Showstopper itself is mirror glaze cakes all round. They want light Genoese sponges with shiny, shiny toppings, attractively decorated. Paul says that "if it were me, I'd go small and beautiful," and wouldn't we all if we had that choice, mate.
Most of the contestants have opted for a chocolate base, except Kate, who is making gooseberry fool cake and covering it in an entirely unappealing shade of blue. Mel is appropriately disgusted. On the other side of the room, Mary Berry is being similarly disgusted by Michael's tea flavoured cake. "It smells... grassy," she says with air-splitting disapproval that Michael somehow manages to miss. "It's a strong flavour," he says cheerfully as Berry Disapproval starts to seep out of the tent, through the air, through my windows and into my bloodstream.
Also Kate says "Swallows remind me of our wedding" and I sniggered even if none of you did.
Nearly half the bakers have to redo their Genoese sponges, and Candice flings hers across the room to the wall of the tent. She's not happy with her second sponges either but doesn't have time for a third go. When she tells the camera about this she says "Genoese" the way you do when you're a child and mocking something someone's said to you, which makes me laugh because in many ways, I am still a child. She is going to use a giant gilt-framed mirror as a cake board, which is such a non-event that nobody even comments on it. Ouch.
Lee's chocolate ganache has gone entirely to shit (literally, by the looks of it), and the sight of burned chocolate caused my chocolate-maker boyfriend to start shouting at the guy through the screen. Several people have to restart their toppings, including Benjamina who has now done every part of her cake twice. She is quite upset and Sue has to give her a pep talk. Mirror glazes are poured, decorations are applied, and an extremely mixed bag of cakes are placed on the ends of benches. All of this, naturally, is intercut with shots of Selasi sauntering about and eating leftover ingredients. He is truly a gift.
Showstopper Results in Brief: Jane, Benjamina (to whom Hollywood does the THING) and Andrew have all made super-shiny, super-tasty cakes; Louise and Selasi's cakes are tasty but insufficiently shiny; Lee and Rav's cakes are dry; Candice's sponge is actual rubber; Kate's blue glaze is ugly; Val's cake is unimpressive; Michael's grass-smelling cake is also a grass-tasting cake; and Tom the Murderer doesn't have enough alcohol in his cake this time.
After some deliberation, it's announcement time: Star Baker is Jane! I feel like I should have more of an opinion on this, but for a first Star Baker of the series, she didn't really get much of an edit. Going home is Lee, which is sad but I'm not sure who wouldn't have been a sad first boot this time. This is why you cast a Dude in Hat Who Shoves Beetroot in Everything, so everyone can have a feelgood first episode. So far I don't dislike anyone (except, y'know, Hollywood) and I particularly enjoyed Essex Candice, Welsh Louise and Who Gives A Shit Selasi this episode, though my favourites probably won't be set in stone for a few episodes. There is a very real possibility that the ginger nine-year-old could challenge.
Next week: biscuits! I have just come from a house share where we watched Bake Off together and would make or otherwise acquire viewing snacks to match the week's theme, and so I think I'm going to attempt to make some gingerbread in my brand new flat for next Wednesday. I haven't baked in forever, so let's see how that goes, shall we?
