It's Desserts Week! No introductory pun from Mel and Sue this week, sadly, so we go straight to Andrew stressing about his inability to win Star Baker thus far. This is not a particularly endearing storyline for him, it has to be said. Andrew claims to be a "desserts man [desserts nine-year-old boy] through and through" and is on a mission to finally be the winner this week, meaning that either he will be or that he will flame out spectacularly. I speak reality TV. Candice is back on top lipstick form, and now I am considering breaking out the Goth lipsticks that don't suit me but remain in my make-up stash regardless.
For the signature bake, everyone is to make a roulade. Mary talks about getting the perfect spiral when the roulade is rolled up, and Paul brags about being able to get more cream in his mouth than the average person. Snigger. Nobody is making anything especially groundbreaking, though Andrew is making his all stripy because if he doesn't win he'll JUST DIE, and Tom the Murderer is making a millionaire's shortbread in roulade form. Paul thinks this will be "interesting". "Interesting as in genuinely interesting or in a sort of muahahaha classic creepy Paul Hollywood something awful's going to happen way?" asks Sue, who is the best. We hear but do not see Paul respond "Uhhhhh..." in a vaguely unsettling manner. Paul is not the best. Good luck, Channel 4.
Mary wants to see "no crack whatsoever" from Selasi, unlike 80% of the internet, and when she finds out that Benjamina is making a pina colada roulade with rum in it, winks saucily at her. I am on Team Rum with Mary. We scorn Team Crack.
Tom the Murderer has to make a second sponge after his first one goes extremely wrong, and sighs that a pretty cake is definitely off the table today. What he's making looks basically exactly how my Yule logs always turn out at Christmas. Informal, you might say.
Judgement time! Jane's looks good, though she's got very little roll because she rolled it up along the long side. The texture is good but Paul and Mary are split on the effectiveness of the alcohol because Mary likes drinking, you guys. Benjamina's looks and tastes good, though Paul is unsure about the coconut extract. Tom's is a bit squished-looking but tastes nice, Candice's is a bit cracked and slightly rubbery, Andrew's is pretty and tasty if a bit squished, and Selasi has made a really good sponge.
This week's technical is marjolaine, which I have never heard of. It's apparently some kind of layered meringue thing, except the meringue is made of nuts? That sounds weird. Selasi tells us he can't afford to come last, which means he will. We were all here for the Rav Debacle, show. Tom the Murderer has made almost none of the necessary parts of this thing before. He lists off all the different bits and when he gets to the praline, we take a break to learn about the history of praline. It is named after Mr Prasline, which makes me very happy. I might change my name to Jen Prasline. Then we return to Tom, who has made a caramelised sheet of nuts that he says he's going to have set into his door. Oh, Tom, you and your slightly psychotic baking.
Andrew's meringue breaks. Mel promises to keep it a secret. Sue asks him what he thinks a marjolaine is supposed to look like. "A Vienetta, but posher?" Andrew suggests. "Nothing's posher than a Vienetta," says Sue.Now I want a Vienetta, but I know I wouldn't want it if it were in my freezer. Hmph.
Weird meringue things are put behind corresponding photos and they all look pretty good, so Mary and Paul are picking on slight unevenness in depth and somewhat irregular piping. Selasi comes last, because that is the reality TV way, followd by Tom, Jane and Benjamina. Candice is second and Andrew wins, so this is definitely a Triumph of the Andrew week. Paul thinks it's an Andrew/Benjamina face off for Star Baker, and any of the other four could be in trouble. Mel and Sue, it is agreed, are always in trouble.
For the showstopper, everyone is asked to make 24 mini mousse cakes in two flavours. Everyone is making either chocolate and coffee or chocolate and mint for one of their flavours, except Tom the Murderer who is making a carrot cake and an apple and white chocolate cake in the shapes of finger sandwiches for his "hipster picnic". He explains that he's taking something simple and making it complicated, "which is the hipster way". I can't decide if I love this or hate it. On the one hand hipsters talking about being hipsters is infuriating, but saying "which is the hipster way" as though they're some kind of mystical tribe is slightly adorable. I find Tom the Murderer super confusing. He also notes that he and Benjamina are making a similar sounding apple cake, but suspects that they will "come out very different - not necessarily to my favour, I imagine". Tom the Murderer is weirdly defeatist for a murderer.
Andrew, still marching grimly towards his first Star Baker, has produced two small Ferris wheels on which he intends to display his mousses for a "day at the seaside" theme. The carriages are basically little hanging baskets wobbling about on hooks, and it all looks terrifying. Let's not have the stress of Biscuit Week all over again, please? Equally insane is Jane, who is making five different mousse mixtures simultaneously while also creating fleur-de-lys designs for her chocolate mousse, though she seems quite chilled about it all as she jumps from bowl to bowl.
It's a hot day because it's always a hot day when the bakers are making things that melt easily, so mousses are being filled with gelatine and being crammed into freezers left and right. Candice doubles the amount of gelatine she put in when practicing and ends up with a mixture so stiff she can't even stir it, so she starts again. Why did you think that would work?
Shortly thereafter, almost everyone's mousses start melting to some degree or other, ranging from mildly sloppy (Jane/Benjamina) to complete gunk-pile disaster (Selasi). Sue also notes that Selasi's mini-mousses are basically huge chocolate bricks and would only count as mini when being held by someone as beefy as Selasi. Selasi says "disaster" but still doesn't look particularly bothered by any of this. I respect that.
Showstoppers in Brief: Jane has a great-looking set of chocolate/coffee mousses and one slightly melty set of blackcurrant ones, but all five of her mousses are light and tasty; Selasi's raspberry mousses look and taste great, but his mint chocolate ones are just slabs of gunk; Candice's chocolate/mint mousse is more of a ganache and her blackberry ones look beautiful but are lacking a bit in flavour and texture; both Benjamina's chocolate/coffee and her apple crumble mousses look sloppy but taste great; Tom's sandwich things lack finesse and would be great for a completely different challenge not at all related to mousse; and Andrew's chocolate and forest fruits mousses look amazing, taste amazing, Triumph of the Andrew.
Star Baker this week is Andrew and they don't even pretend it might be someone else. As soon as he gets out of the tent he shouts "Finally, finally, finally!" I am not feeling this story arc. This leaves Selasi as the only one not to have won Star Baker, and do you see him giving two shits about it? No, you do not. Going home, inevitably, is Tom the Murderer. He says he knew it would be him, as did we all. I'll miss Tom the Murderer, with his confusing flavours and his determination to be either excellent or totally shit at everything and his terrifying murderer face. I will remember his Death Gingerbread forever.
Next week: Tudor Week. Oh, good grief.
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